Masks
by Of.Winged.Poets
Summary: A series of one shots from Edward's POV: Edward leaving in New Moon, when Bella thinks she's dreaming in NM after Italy, jacob&Edward in the tent in Eclipse, after Italy Part2, "Can I ask you a question?" from Eclipse, Morning After-BD, Bella's Thoughts-B
1. New Moon:B&E, Edward leaving

This is a one shot of Edward's goodbye to Bella in New Moon from Edward's point of view. I don't know if it's been done before, but I don't care.

I don't own Twilight.

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Her rusty old truck loomed ahead of us. To me it was another marker on the path to separation because I now new what I must do. It was no longer safe for me to stay in Forks. I had to break away from her, a clean separation. I would cut out that part of my soul so that Bella could move on and live a normal life.

Bella was working up her courage to say something. I knew she wanted answers. I could not provide any. My mind was set. I had to stop her from asking. This had to be all my doing, my fault.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" She looked slightly startled that I had spoken first. I mentally kicked myself for being so distant and cold. I wished that I could have left Bella with better memories of our last days.

"Of course not." She recovered herself.

"Now?" I needed to get this over with, to remove the danger that I posed to Bella as soon as possible. I had waited long enough; every moment was hazardous to her.

"Sure," She was very calm. It made me wary. "I was just going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." More distractions. I glared at the offended letter. If I took it our division would come sooner. That was good and bad. I debated the question that I had pondered for days. Do I do the right thing or the easy thing? Bella's safety won. I reached over and took the letter, hating myself already for the pain I would cause her.

"I'll do it. And I'll still beat you there." I tried to smile for her so that she would believe everything was fine. I wanted this to be as easy as possible for her. Worrying would not help that.

"Okay." She didn't smile back. I was a worse actor than I thought. I walked to my car. I really wanted to take off and run from my decisions. This would be the most painful act of my life. I was having trouble picturing surviving the parting. Bella would not be easy to convince. I worked on what I would say as I drove. I parked my car and ran the rest of the journey, thinking about how I was about to belie everything I had ever told her. She wouldn't believe it. Bella had too much faith in me. I had told her I loved her.

I beat her there, parking in Charlie's spot. I knew that this would tip her off that something was wrong, but I was past pretending. I took her bag and put it on the seat. This needed to be over. I couldn't stand lying to her any more.

"Come for a walk with me." I tried to keep my voice light. I was unable to resist taking her hand, savoring the feel of her skin on mine.

Bella definitely knew that something was wrong. She was walking slowly, lagging behind. I couldn't bring myself to look at her beautiful face. I stopped early. It was time. Something was breaking inside of me. I kept my features an emotionless mask. _For Bella._ I told myself.

I regretted looking at her. There was something akin to panic on her face. I hated myself for what I was doing. At the same time, I relished these moments where I was free to adore her. I needed to memorize how it felt to know she loved me, even if it was only for a moment. I found myself suddenly reluctant to talk. I wasn't capable of hurting her like this. Wasn't the subtle hurt of danger less painful than the impending separation? I had almost talked myself out of it when she spoke.

"Okay, let's talk." She sounded brave. That was my Bella. I took a breath, steadying myself.

"Bella, we're leaving." The words were so stark and simple. I felt like a criminal for speaking them.

"Why now? Another year-"

"Bella, it's time... How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." All of this was true, but each word was a knife in my heart, knowing what I must do. I forced myself to respond to her confusion with an icy cold glare. The panicked look returned.

"When you say _we_-"

"I mean my family and myself." I spoke the lie harshly. I was leaving my real family here, Bella. She shook her head. I wished I could read her mind.

"Okay, I'll come with you." Stubborn Bella. I love her so much.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…it's not the right place for you." I skirted saying the most painful reason that I had thought of.

"Where you are is the right place for me." Any other time, these words would have warmed me. Now, I felt nothing. I was numb.

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life." I had expected this. Bella would never see my true nature. I had to try to be the monster that she couldn't see so that she would understand that this was final. I would have killed anyone who was hurting her like I was.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper-that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" The memory of that night flashed through my mind. It only strengthened my resolve. She must never be in that danger again.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you."

"_No!_ This is about my soul, isn't it?" She shouted. _Only partially right, Bella._ "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you-it's yours already!"

I was forced to look away. I couldn't let her see how much those words meant to me. Even though she didn't understand what she was saying, it still felt good to hear. I had to be a monster. I had to commit this unforgivable act. She wouldn't believe my next reason, but it was worth a shot.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I needed to be sure she heard what I was saying. This would be a clean break. The words burned my throat as I said them.

"You…don't…want me?" My heart broke at her pain.

"No." I almost doubled over with the weight of my lies. We stared at each other. I hid the truth deep inside of me so that she wouldn't see. I was drowning in the pain and hurt in her gaze. Then the emotion disappeared.

"Well, that changes things." I was scared by the evenness of her voice. I could not leave her in such pain. I looked away.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." When I looked at her, I thought she saw the monster for just a moment. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." If I hadn't been hell bound before, I was now.

"Don't. Don't do this." A hint of emotion was breaking through her serene state. I wished I could give her what she wanted, but it was too late. There was no turning back.

"You're not good for me, Bella." The lies kept getting better. She started to speak, stopped, started again.

"If…that's what you want." I nodded. She froze. There was no trace of life in her.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much." I looked into her eyes. My heart disappeared. There was only a broken, empty place. I could see no argument in her. She believed me. Total and complete horror filled me. How could she believe it so easily? My mask slipped. No, this was what I had wanted.

"Anything." She said. I needed to "dazzle" her. She had to do this.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" She nodded. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." She could not think that I cared. To move on, she had to believe that it was really and truly over.

"I will." I was able to relax slightly. Bella would keep her word. "And I'll make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." She had no reason to believe me, but I would keep my last promise to her. It was all I had left to give.

Then I spoke the thing that I had to believe. "Don't worry. You're human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." She would be okay.

"And your memories?" Her voice broke.

"Well," I formulated a lie. "I won't forget. But _my _kind," I stressed the difference between us, widening the gap. "We're very easily distracted." I smiled falsely. I stepped away, distancing myself. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again.

"Alice isn't coming back." It wasn't a question. I could not remove my eyes from her face. It would be forever burned in my mind.

"No. They're all gone I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." She was still frozen, emotionless. I loved her with every fiber of my being. "Goodbye, Bella." It took my whole will to stay steady, calm.

"Wait!" She reached for me. I needed to hold her, but I forced myself to settle for a chaste kiss on her forehead.

"Take care of yourself." Then I ran, leaving my soul behind. The lights of my world extinguished. There was nothing left to keep moving for. Bella would be safe. I would never be whole again.

* * *

That was mildly depressing. I can do another chapter of some other section of the series in Edward's POV if you want, just tell me. Review please!


	2. AN

So here's the deal. I was writing the proposal form Edward's POV, but it got out of hand. I posted it as a separate story because it was too long. Check it out.


	3. New moon: B&E, After Italy

Here's the next one shot. This is Chapter 23 of New Moon. The part is where Bella and Edward are talking on her bed after they return home.

I don't own Twilight.

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Bella looked like an angel when she slept. Her face was so peaceful as opposed to the horror, fear, and millions of other feelings that I had put there in Italy. I held her close, unable to release her after our long separation. I had no idea how long this could last. Bella had slept for a long time, and I didn't know whether I would be very welcome once she woke.

Her eyelids fluttered slightly. Emotions played over her features, but her eyes stayed closed. I waited patiently for them to open so that I could see her amazing brown gaze. She was so beautiful. I had to kiss her before she woke up. I could not face the possibility of separation. I placed a light kiss on her forehead. She squeezed her eyes sht.

Bella sighed lightly, sadly. I watched my love make an extraordinary effort to open her eyes.

"Oh!" she covered her eyes with her fists. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I had been gone for so long. This obviously wasn't a normal thing anymore. I felt sad at what my stupid decisions had wrought. She opened her eyes again. There was a strange expression.

"Did I frighten you?" I didn't want to hurt her in any way. Her amazing eyes flickered over my face, studying. I studied back. She looked different, more tired, sad, thinner.

Bella blinked in confusion. She was never much of a morning person. Maybe she needed more sleep. I watched her expression turn horrified.

"Oh _crap._" Her voice was thick with sleep.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I wanted to pull her close and keep her safe and sheltered forever. I hated seeing her worried or sad or hurt.

"I'm dead, right? I _did_ drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." Only Bella could sit there calmly believing she was dead. Knowing her stubborn nature, I was a little concerned.

"You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?" She challenges, completely sure in her belief.

"You _are_ awake, Bella."

"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. _If_ I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…" I deserved to be discounted as a bad dream for sure.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare. But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind u in hell." Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

"Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." That was both reassuring and worrisome. Bella still had that misguided opinion of me. On the other hand, she would be even harder to bring to my side of the soul argument.

I watched the truth dawn on her. She blushed. I smiled, how I loved that blush.

"Did all of that really happen, then?"

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange. I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" Silly Bella.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore." She argued stubbornly. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

"Charlie?" I frowned. As reluctant as I was to bring our reunion to an end, Bella deserved to know when I was breaking rules.

"Sleeping. You should probably know that I' breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window…But, still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house?" She sounded angry. I wasn't sure if that as a good thing or not, but her kitten anger was nice to see again. I honestly couldn't believe that she had expected a different response. Charlie had a right to be angry. _She_ should be angry. I had made such a mess.

"Did you expect anything else?" Yes, she was definitely mad. Her eyes shown with it.

"What's the story?"

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie?" What's my excuse for disappearing for….how long was I gone, anyway?" I wished I could read her mind. There were so many thoughts passing behind her eyes.

"Just three days. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." I was ashamed to admit it. There should have been a half-way decent lie ready on hand, but nothing fit.

"Fabulous." My thoughts exactly.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." I comforted. It wouldn't do for her to be upset. Bella deserved nothing but happiness after all I had put her through.

"So, what have you been doing, up until three days ago?" I was surprised at the sudden change in topic. I especially didn't want to tell her that particular truth.

"Nothing terribly exciting."

"Of course not." Her face was both disappointed and irritated.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well…If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up." I had thought we were past his. I should have known it wouldn't be so simple. I didn't deserve simple.

"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" She scoffed. I smiled minutely. Bella was so sure of me even after everything. "Maybe. If you tell me."

I really didn't want to tell her. Would she be angry? Angry that I hadn't been able to keep her safe? I could never predict Bella's actions. She always amazed me.

"I was….hunting." I played it safe, to afraid of saying the wrong thing, or losing her or hurting her even more.

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake." I knew she wouldn't drop it, and I didn't have the right to ask that she let it go.

"I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it." I still skirted the core of the truth. Bella, of course, asked the most difficult question.

"What were you tracking?" I settled for outright evasion.

"Nothing of consequence." I couldn't lie well with her brown eyes watching me. It brought back uncomfortable memories of the last time I'd lied to her, of the pain I'd brought to her.

"I don't understand." _Just tell her the truth._ I told myself. I needed to apologize. I needed to beg forgiveness for my failure. I had failed to stop Victoria. I felt incredibly guilt ridden.

"I-" I paused to steady myself. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know" My words sped up. I wanted to get this over with. Hopefully she wouldn't be angry; hopefully she wouldn't tell me to leave, that she could never forgive me for failing, for putting her in so much danger. "That I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria would come back." I felt such hatred towards her, more than I'd ever felt towards another living creature, maybe even more than I had felt for James. "I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie o him. I think I realize why now-she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him-" Kind of like Bella's confidence in me. "-that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice-what she saw herself-when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of _werewolves_, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself" I shuddered at the thought of how much danger my precious Bella had been in. it was all my fault. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms." The words were wrenched from deep inside of me. This perfect, innocent creature should never have been in harm's way. She deserved so much better than me. "I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Stop." Bella cut me off. I was shocked into silence. I'm sure my agony was apparent to her. Maybe she was about to tell me to leave. She would throw my apology in my face and tell me it was over. I would have earned it, but it would still hurt. It would be the most agonizing pain, and I would wait forever at the sidelines of her life, praying for the moment when I would be able to rejoin her, knowing it would never come.

Her emotions disappeared behind a mask. I had seen that in Charlie's thoughts. This was the Bella that had been living in Forks while I was gone. I had caused her to withdraw behind an emotionless front.

"Edward, this has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…this _guilt_…rule your life." I was speechless. She was trying to soothe _me_. "You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of this is your fault, it's just part of how life _is_ for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame." I would take the blame were such a tragedy to happen. It was my privilege to keep her safe and protected, even from herself. "You can't go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and _not your fault_." How could she believe that? "I know it's your…your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible-think of Esme and Carlisle and-" She was winding herself into a frenzy while I sat there, motionless, and completely amazed.

"Isabella Marie Swan." I whispered. I felt anger. Bella thought that I had been guilty? Didn't she know the truth? "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me _because I felt guilty?_"

"Didn't you?" She seemed confused.

"Feel guilty? Intensely so." _I still do._ "More than you can comprehend."

"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand." This was so difficult.

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead, even If I'd had no hand in your death-" I shuddered at the hideousness of that thought. "-even if it _wasn't_ my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful-I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed t think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" o remembered an earlier conversation of ours. "The odds…The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again." I was determined that I would defeat the odds. Our story would not be a tragedy. At least one of us had the chance of coming out of this with a full life; I would do everything on my power to make sure that it stayed that way.

"But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?" I was pulled from my thoughts. Had I missed something?

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I _was_ dead?" was she serious?

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember _everything_ that you told me." She would choose the biggest lie to remember. How could I fix this? I brushed my finger over her soft lower lip.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension. I thought I'd explained t clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist." The very idea was painful. This astonishing angel was my world, my life.

"I am…confused." She sounded it.

"I'm a good liar, Bella. I have to be." She froze. I observed as she braced herself automatically. What had I done to my love? Would she ever be able to trust me again? I shook her shoulder lightly.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I fought not to remember that painful past, how her eyes had clouded, how I had known that she believed the lie, so easily. "That was…excruciating." It wasn't a strong enough word. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye-You weren't' going to let go." My voice was a whisper. The memories were painful, knowing that I had hurt her, that she had believed that I didn't want her, was heartbreaking.

"I could see that. I didn't want to do it-it felt like it would kill me to do it-but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer o get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd_ moved on, so would you." To think I'd moved on, what a silly idea.

"A clean break." She muttered.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought I would be next to impossible-that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm sorry-sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry." I was a little breathless from my outpouring. "But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly _believed_ that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept-as if there were any way that _I_ could exist without needing _you_!" It still astounded me that she could ever have doubted. I loved her so much that it filled every bit of me. I took her shoulder again. "Bella, really, what were you thinking!"

Tears spilled from her eyes. I was horrified. What was wrong now? Was my love really so repulsive? No, that wasn't it, it couldn't be.

"I knew it. I _knew_ I was dreaming." She still didn't believe me. I was filled with remorse. I had broken that fragile trust. I would do anything to get it back. I needed her to believe me.

"You're impossible. How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I _have_ always loved you, and I _will_ always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." That was the truest truth I had ever spoken. I loved her more than anything else.

Tears continued to fall. I could feel her doubt in the room. "You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered. My voice was edged with pain and horror. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me. I always knew that." What a ridiculous thought. I had to love Bella. It was a fact of my existence. I was tired of arguing.

"I'll prove you're awake." I caught her jaw in my hands. I felt my excitement pick up. I had wanted to kiss her since we had returned from Italy, before that even.

"Please don't." I froze. This was new. Bella was telling me to stop.

"Why not?"

"When I wake up-" Not that again. "Okay, forget that one-when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." I dark idea worked its way into my brain.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late?"_ Please, God, no. Please. I know I don't deserve it, but please._"Because I've hurt you too much? Because you _have_ moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…" _Incredibly painful, agonizing, heartbreaking._"Quite fair. I won't contest your decision." And I wouldn't. I wanted her to be happy. "So don't try to spare my feelings, please-just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" My voice was a whisper again. I waited, every breath painful. I counted her heart beats in my pain, the most significant sound in my world.

"What kind of idiotic question is that?" I was too far gone to smile. This answer had the potential to destroy my heart.

"Just answer it. Please."

"The way I feel about you will never change, of course I love you-and there's nothing you can do about it!" Relief was instantaneous. Bella loved me.

"That's all I needed to hear." I kissed her, barely having to think about restraint. I was too happy, too full of complete and total joy. Her warm body was pressed against mine. I felt like I was home. I traced her features with my hands, loving her so much. Bella was my world, and I had her in my arms. I would keep her safe and never let her go.

* * *

I kind of wanted to continue, but this was a good stopping place. Yes, I do realize that this is just as long as the one that I turned into a whole new story because it was "too long to fit" in this series of one shots. I don't care. This one just fits the flow better.


	4. Eclipse: Jacob&Edward in Tent

Hey, here's my next EPOV. It starts when Jacob enters the tent in Eclipse (Pg. 487-Chapter 22: Fire and Ice) and ends after their talk (Pg. 505). I had a couple of requests for this so I'm doing it.

I don't own it.

* * *

The wind shook the whole tent. How could it possibly get colder? Bella was shivering. I wanted, needed, to help her, but I couldn't. I felt so completely powerless.

"W-w-w-w-w-what t-t-t-t-time is it?" She forced out. My guilt just kept on increasing.

'Two." I tried to keep my voice perfectly calm so that she would feel a little better. I pulled back even farther from her. Maybe my presence was making this worse. Maybe I should leave, but Bella had asked me to be here. This was what she wanted. I was so helpless. How could I not aid the person who was my entire world? Bella was practically blue. This had been a terrible idea. The cold could make her sick…or worse…

"Maybe…"

"No, I'm f-f-f-f-f-fine, r-r-r-really. I don't w-w-w-want to g-go outside." She could barely talk through her shaking. The cold would be even worse outside, but at least I could get her somewhere safe. She had stubbornly refused each time I brought it up, though. She was so cold. Her already fragilely pale skin was nearly translucent with chill. Her eyes were almost pained. This was sheer torture.

"What can I do?" There had to be something. Bella could not take much more of this. Jacob's thoughts were bombarding me. He had remained outwardly silent up to this point, but now he let out a whine. He was as worried about Bella as I.

"G-g-g-get out of h-h-h-ere." Bella said again. That was her response whenever Jacob made an appearance. It warmed me a little to know that she had asked for my presence while she shunned his. It was a childish emotion, but impossible to rid myself of.

"He's just worried about you. He's fine. _His_ body is equipped to deal with this." I hated him for having protection that Bella did not. Why was I defending him? I honestly had no clue. Perhaps there was a bond forged by our shared need to protect Bella.

"H-h-h-h-h-h." Bella stuttered. I wished I could read her thoughts. That would make communicating much easier for her.

_Come on, bloodsucker. Do something. This is killing her!_ Jacob screamed at me. I wanted to yell at him to shut up. As if I didn't know that. He whimpered again. Bella looked irritated before that emotion, too, gave way to chill.

"What do you want me to do?" I growled at him. He certainly wasn't doing anything. "Carry her through _that?_ I don't see you making yourself useful. Why don't you fetch a space heater or something?"

"I'm ok-k-k-k-k-k-_kay_." Bella said. I groaned. Who was she kidding? She was freezing to death in front of my eyes. Jacob agreed with me for once. He howled loudly, making Bella cringe.

_Why don't I just come in there and give her the parka? I don't need it._ Jacob thought. I heard a hidden meaning behind his words.

"That was hardly necessary, and that's the worst idea I've ever heard." I called to make sure he heard over the wind.

_Too bad. "_Better than anything you've come up with. _Go fetch a space heater._ I'm not a St. Bernard." His thoughts turned to Bella, and he unzipped the tent. I was grateful that he made a very small opening. I wasn't sure how much more cold Bella could take.

"I don't like this." I hissed. It seemed like a trap. "Just give her the coat and get out."

"W-w-w-w-w-w." Bella stuttered.

"The parka's for tomorrow-she's too cold to warm it up by herself. It's frozen. You said she needed a space heater, and here I am." I hated him for using my words against me. I hated him for being right. I was incredibly jealous that he could help Bella where I couldn't. The jealousy filled me.

"J-J-J-J-Jake, you'll f-f-f-freeze." Bella argued. Not likely. Jacob was far warmer than even a normal human.

"Not me. I run at a toasty one-oh-eight point nine these days. I'll have you sweating in no time." I finally realized exactly what he planned. A vision of him and Bella curled up together flashed through his mind. I snarled. Jacob was enjoying this way too much.

I couldn't stop myself from reaching out to stop him. That was my place, beside Bella. I was jealous and angry. His jaw clenched.

"Get your hand off of me." He growled. As if he could fight me.

"Keep your hands off of her." Only Bella's next words stopped me from attacking him. I felt trapped and incapable.

"D-d-d-don't f-f-f-f-fight." She pleaded. She shook violently.

"I'm sure she'll thank you for this when her toes turn black and drop off." Jacob snapped. I hesitated, torn between my need to protect her and my jealousy. Her safety was the most important thing though. I backed off. His mind was conjuring less than appropriate pictures. His thoughts were tinged with a little too much pleasure.

"Watch yourself." I warned. He had the audacity to laugh.

"Scoot over, Bella." I had the satisfaction of watching Bella's expression turn to outrage.

"N-n-n-n-n." She was trying to protest.

"Don't be stupid. Don't you _like_ having ten toes?" Jacob said. I was having to force myself to stay in one place and not rip him away from her. He crammed himself into the sleeping bag next to her. They were so close. I was so jealous. Bella's expression turned calm. I almost wished it hadn't, but then I remembered that I wanted her to be happy.

Jacob was shocked by how cold she was. I could experience it in his mind. It was worse than either of had thought. I was suddenly even more grateful to him, while still angry and envious.

"Jeez, you're freezing, Bella."

"S-s-s-s-sorry." I rolled my eyes. What did she have to apologize for?

"Try to relax. You'll be warm in a minute. Of course, you'd warm up faster if you took your clothes off." That suggestion coupled with the images in his mind wrenched a hard suppressed growl from me.

"That's a simple fact. Survival one-oh-one."

"C-c-cut it out, Jake. N-n-n-nobody really n-n-n-n-needs all ten t-t-t-toes." I almost smiled. That was my stubborn Bella.

"Don't worry about the bloodsucker. He's just jealous." SO rue.

"Of course I am." I was able to control myself, focusing on the subsiding of Bella's shivers rather than on the wolf. "You don't have the faintest idea how much I wish I could do what you're doing for her, mongrel."

"Those are the breaks. At least you know she wished it was you." Did I? I supposed so. That was the only reason he was still here, that and Bella's safety.

"True."

"There. Feeling better?" He was far too pleased with himself.

"Yes."

"You're lips are still blue." More images formed. He had a very visual imagination. "Want me to warm them up for you, too? You only have to ask/" This was getting old. I couldn't help but sigh.

"Behave yourself." She muttered her kitten anger surfacing. I watched Jacob flinch at her cold skin and was slightly bolstered by the somewhat vindictive smile that Bella wore on her face.

They were getting too cozy. I hated how comfortable she looked at the same time that I was so very grateful for it. In that moment, my life was made of contradictions.

"Jake? Can I ask you something? I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything, I'm honestly curious." I watched them smile at some private joke, and my envy increased.

"Sure."

"Why are you so much furrier than your friends? You don't have to answer if I'm being rude."

"Because my hair is longer."

"Oh. Then why didn't you cut it? OD you like to be shaggy?" I laughed at the true answer.

"Sorry, I don't mean to pry. You don't have to tell me." Silly Bella.

"Oh, he'll tell you anyway, so I might as well…I was growing my hair out because…it seemed like you liked it better long."

"Oh. I, er, like it both ways, Jake. You don't need o be…inconvenienced." I wondered why she seemed to feel so awkward and wished again to know her thoughts.

"Turns out it was very convenient tonight, so don't worry about it." Bella began to drift to sleep. "That's right, honey, go to sleep." I didn't like his slightly possessive tone or the endearment he used. I was distracted by more thoughts coming closer.

"Seth is here." I said.

"Perfect. Now you can keep an eye on everything else, while I take care of your girlfriend for you." I was not going to fight anymore. Bella didn't like it. Besides, I was lightened by the knowledge of how much using the words "your girlfriend" had cost him.

"Stop it." Bella muttered sleepily. I had been right of course. She always hated the fighting. IT became quiet then, but Jacob's thoughts swarmed me. They grew worse and worse.

"_Please!"_ I finally exploded. "Do you _mind!"_

"What?"He was honestly surprised.

"Do you think you could _attempt_ to control your thoughts?"

"No one said you had to listen." He was a little embarrassed though. Good. Maybe he'd stop. I didn't know how much more I could take. "Get out of my head."

"I wish I _could_. You have no idea how loud your little fantasies are. It's like you're shouting them at me."

"I'll try to keep it down." He said sarcastically. Yeah right. I had probably just given him another weapon to use against me.

_Are you jealous that I have the ability to even dream about it? You could never be with her like I could. You can't right? I don't think so. You'd kill her._ Jacob thought. His contemplation ended with a bit of a growl though.

"Yes. I'm jealous of that, too."

"I figured it was like that. Sort of evens the playing field up a little, doesn't it?" Did he really think that that could make up for all I shared with Bella? Did he believe that that was more important than her love, than being able to hold her every night?

"In your dreams." I chuckled.

"You know, she could still change her mind. Considering _all_ the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is." Did he really need to repeat himself out loud? I suppose it was just another way to taunt me, but I knew something that he didn't. Jacob didn't know about the engagement. Maybe he'd back off if he knew.

"Go to sleep, Jacob. You're starting to get on my nerves." That was an understatement.

"I think I will. I'm really very comfortable." A few more thoughts passed maliciously through his mind. I sighed, as if he could make me any more jealous than I was. I had reached the height of envy. There was nowhere else to go.

_I could ask him, but he would never tell me the truth…_ Jacob contemplated, finishing some train of thought that I had missed with my musings.

"Maybe I would."

"But would you be honest?"

"You can always ask and see." AS if he would know if I lied. I had every intention of telling the truth though, to a point.

"Well, you see inside my head-let me see inside yours tonight, it's only fair."

"Your head is full of questions. Which do you want me to answer?"

"The jealousy…it _has_ to be eating at you. You can't be as sure of yourself as you seem. Unless you have no emotions at all." It was funny to see that he actually thought that it was minutely possible that vampires were emotionless.

"Of course it is. Right now it's so bad that I can barely control my voice. Of course, it's even worse when she's away from me, with you, and I can't see her."

"Do you think about it all the time? Does it make it hard to concentrate when she's not with you?" His questions were drawn from his own emotions.

"Yes and no. My mind doesn't work quite the same as yours. I can think of many more things at one time. Of course, that means that I'm _always_ able to think of you, always able to wonder if that's where her mind is, when she's quiet and thoughtful." It was a dull ache in my chest, this wondering. The jealousy was overpowering it though.

_How often does she think about me, I wonder. More than Edward?_

"Yes, I would guess that she thinks about you often. More often than I like. She worried that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't _use_ that."

"I have to use whatever I can. I'm not working with your advantages-advantages like her knowing she's in love with you."

"That helps."

"She's in love with me, too, you know." I didn't want to admit it, but it rang a bell of truth.

"But she _doesn't_ know it."

"I can't tell you if you're right." I thought about how I sometimes couldn't read her. It was a painful question to ponder.

"Does that bother you? Do you wish you could see what she's thinking, too?"

"Yes…and no, again. She likes it better this way, and, though it sometimes drives me insane, I'd rather she was happy." Would that prove true if she chose him? I dismissed the thought. That wouldn't happen. I watched his arms close around her protectively. My envy had fades just slightly so that my gratitude was a little more visible.

"Thank you. Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob."

"You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right?"

"It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"

"I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am." He was so smug.

"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesn't help your case, you know."

'You have more patience than I do."

"I should. I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years of waiting for _her_."

"So…at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?"

"When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the…less civilized feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure." It was true. Bella always took me by surprise.

"I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you." I winced inwardly. That also rang slightly true. I believed in Bella, but there was an insecure part of me that told me to hold on with all my might, to hide her away so that she never saw anyone else to leave me for. I wondered whether to admit it to Jacob.

"That was part of it. But only a small part. We all have moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you-as safe as Bella ever is-it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes." I knew he was surprised. He would have kept her far away from me, like I wanted to, but that would only end up hurting her.

"I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."

"I know." I smiled. Bella would definitely never believe it. She had such a biased view of me, and also of Jacob.

"You think you know everything." Jacob muttered.

"I don't know the future." I suddenly felt unsure. How likely was it that Jacob was right, that Bella loved him? How easy would it be for me to lose her?

"What would you do if she changed her mind?"

"I don't know that either." I could see many paths ahead of me.

"Would you try to kill me?" He didn't think I could. How wrong he was. I more than half wanted to do it right at that moment.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?" Jacob would never be good for her. I had to believe that. He couldn't see what she needed, what made her happy.

"Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes…"

"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea."

"Exactly." Jacob laughed. It was odd to understand him a little more. His mind was drifting, finally landing on a painful question.

"What is it like? Losing her? When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you…cope?"

"That's very difficult for me to talk about." I could still fell the anguish clearly, as if it were happening in the present. Nothing could ever compare, no words could truly explain.

"There were two different times that I thought that." I had to go slowly, battling the pain as I went. 'The first time, when I thought I could leave her…that was…almost bearable. Because I thought she would forget me ad it would be like I hadn't touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. It was getting close-I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win; I would have to come back…just to check on her. That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy...I like to think that I would have gone away again. But she wasn't happy. And I would have stayed." He didn't believe that she hadn't been happy, or on her way to being happy. He had to believe that he could have pulled her out of it. It was a survival instinct.

"That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me…what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left-what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway." It was my greatest regret. It still hurt to think about how much pain I had caused.

"And the other time-when you thought she was dead?" _Like she will be when you kill her, when you change her .Might as well know how it will feel._

"Yes. It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as _Bella_ anymore. But that's who she'll be."

"That's not what I asked."

"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words."

"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You _want_ her to be human."

"Jacob, from the second that I realized that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, would be if she didn't feel as strongly for me-if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as a…living sotne0hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back…" Jacob liked that choice. He wanted Bella to love him not me. I could understand, of course.

"The second alternative, the one I'd originally chose, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waster her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years-it would seem like a very, very short time to me…But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us…waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human." He was of the same opinion, wishing me gone.

"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both. What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants-at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to give her time to find a reason to change her mind, but she's very...stuborn. You know _that_. I'' be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older, and her birthday is in September…"

"I like option one." _I know. _"You know _exactly_ how much I hate to accept this, but I can see that you do love her…in your way. I can't argue with that." Finally. How could he not have seen it? Bella was my life, the only thing that mattered. "Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March…and if you'd waited another six months to check on her…Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan." I could see it in his mind. It might have worked, but I was no longer strong enough to leave her.

"Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan."

"Yeah. But…give me a year, bl-Edward. I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renee, and she could grow up and have kids and…be Bella." I wanted those things for her, but they were no longer in my power to give. Bella had chosen.

"You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish...are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"

"I _have_ considered it. In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You _have_ done that already, and I'll owe you for that for as long as I live-forever-whichever comes first…

"I eve asked Alice if she could see that-see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't, or course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now."

"But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."

"And if she were to decide that she wanted me? Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that." I could see how unhappy that made him.

"I would let her go."

"Just like that?  
"In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, _you_ might leave _her_ someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen." He instantly rejected that possibility, of course.

"Well, you've been much more honest than I had any right to expect…Edward. Thanks for letting me in your head."

"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do…You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."

"Maybe…if you weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck the life out of the girl I love…well, no, not even then." A semi-childish answer from a wolf who had not had the benefit of a century to temper his answer. I had to laugh.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked, my mind drifting back to a memory.

"Why would you have to ask?"

"I can only hear it if you think of it. It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife…?"

"What about it?" I listened to the story in his mind. Of course! Bella would… I hissed. She was so willing to put herself in danger.

"Of course. Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept _that_ story to themselves, Jacob."

"You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys? You know, they _are_. Then _and_ now." If that bothered me I would have had a hard time getting through history.

"I really couldn't care less about that part. Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?" It took him a minute.

"Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point."

"She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it. That was the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."

"You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did." So eager to place the blame on other shoulders.

"Neither side meant ay harm." It was time to peace-make. I thought of Bella's wish to keep the relations between Jacob and myself calm.

"And when does _this _little truce end? First light? Or do we wait until after the fight?" We both thought about what Bella wanted and about how much we could endure.

"First light." We laughed. It was startling the things that we agreed on.

"Sleep well Jacob. Enjoy the moment." He was silent. Ugh, his fantasies restarted. I groaned.

"I didn't mean that quite so literally."

"Sorry. You could leave, you know-give us a little privacy." The thought almost had me shuddering.

"Would you like me to _help_ you sleep, Jacob?" my civility broke a bit.

"You could try. It would be interesting to see who walked away, wouldn't it?" Neither of us would be able to keep these masks up for much longer.

"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't _that_ perfect." He laughed.

"I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind." His thoughts were smug.

He couldn't seem to control his mind. I hummed, trying to block him out. I hummed her lullaby, forging a semi-physical between Bella and myself. Jacob may be holding her, but he didn't hold her heart.

* * *

I kind of want to do the next morning but I don't know. I also want to do when Bella and Edward are going to his house after where I ended the last chapter. What do you guys think?


	5. New Moon: B&E After Italy Part 2

Hello everyone! For Christmas I'm updating _all_ of my in-progress stories and, most likely, adding a Christmas Twilight fiction as well. Hope you enjoy. Merry Christmas!

I don't own Twilight.

Update #3:

This takes place after the events of the part I wrote in Chapter 3. I'm skipping a couple of pages, but I'm sure you'll all be able to tell where this picks up.

* * *

"A say in what?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote." This was ridiculous. She honestly had no chance of winning this argument. My family would side with me. Then why did I feel so worried? No, this was silly. Bella would remain human. They would respect my decision.

There was no point in arguing. Bella was far too stubborn to let me stop her. I kept my mouth close and simply lifted her in my arms. I leapt from the window, landing easily on the ground below. I had a lot of practice at that particular jump.

"All right then, up you go." I knew she could hear the disapproval in my voice. There was no point to this. Why drag my family into it?

I ran into the woods, easily finding the shortest path home. She felt right on my back. The time apart had not damaged the familiarity or perfection that was Bella. The darkness of the forest was much more penetrable to me than to her, I knew. I could see the trees clearly. However, Bella no longer had that silly fear of hitting trees anyway.

She pressed her warm lips against my neck. A sizzle ran trough me. It felt so good.

"Thank you. Does that mean you've decided you're awake?" I sincerely hoped so. She laughed. It was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight." I sighed. I had irrevocably damaged her faith in me, in us. I didn't know how to get it back.

"I'll earn your trust back somehow. If it's my final act."

"I trust _you_. It's me I don't trust." That surprised me. Bella was always a surprise.

"Explain that, please." I slowed; wanting more time with her before we went inside.

"Well, I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold_ you." I stopped and set her in front of me. I could not bring myself to let her go. Instead, I held her close. She did not see herself clearly. Bella was the most beautiful, most significant thing in my world.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable. Never doubt that." I assured her, putting all my sincerity into the words. Bella may have lost faith in me, but she would know that those words were true. She still looked doubtful. I needed to distract her. "You never did tell me…"

"What?"

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess." She touched my nose with her finger. Of course, I was the worst. I deserved that. After everything I had done to her, maybe she was finally seeing me as the monster I was.

"I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that." She rolled her eyes.

"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me." What was she going to say? I waited for the rest. "You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria…they're nothing compared to that."

I had hurt her worse than those monsters. I was the worst form of hell for my Bella. I saw the pictures of Bella in my mind's eyes that I had picked out of Charlie's head. I had done that to her. How could there ever be forgiveness? I was drowning in a world of anguish for what I had done. Death, even death from the Volturi or Victoria, was better than what I had done to her.

"Don't. Don't be sad." My angel reached up to touch me face, comforting _me_. I tried to smile for her. I had no right to cause her more worry or pain.

"If there was only some way to make you see that I _can't_ leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you." I would convince her. I would show her that I would never leave again. I hadn't the strength to separate myself from her, and I would never do that to her again.

"Okay." She agreed. I still could not erase the images of what I had done to her, the lasting anguish of torturing, even if unknowingly, the center of my world.

"So-since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?" I laughed. Would she think me childish?

"Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets-they're all under your floorboards."

"_Really?"_She sounded so happy over such a trivial fact. As if that forgave all of the sins I had committed against her. I was glad to see joy on her exquisite face again. "I think, I'm not sure, but I wonder…I think maybe I knew it the whole time." She seemed deep in thought.

"What did you know?"

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices." What was she talking about? Voices?

"Voices?" I controlled my inner emotions, waiting to hear the whole story.

"Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story." Why didn't that make me feel better.

"I've got time." I was trying to reserve judgment on myself. What had I driven her subconscious to?

"It's pretty pathetic. Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"

"You jumped off a cliff for fun." I controlled myself. It was getting harder and harder. Part of me was being dragged back to that dark time. The other part was extremely confused and worried.

"Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle-"

"Motorcycle?" What motorcycle? How much more danger had she gotten herself into? I could not tolerate Bella in danger, even if she was putting herself there.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No."

"Well, about that...See, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…I could remember you more clearly. I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much-it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt. And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

So many emotions went through me as she spoke: horror that she had been deliberately putting herself in danger, a bit of worry about the voice in general, pain that I had hurt her so much. I was mostly in shock. It was hard to form words.

"You…were…risking your life…to hear-"

"Shh. Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here." She cut me off. I was still in a state of shocked dismay. Bella had been risking her life, her beautiful precious life to hear my voice. This was exactly what I had tried to avoid. I had put her into even more danger than I had originally thought.

"Oh!" Bella interrupted my horror.

"Bella?"

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I fought against the rush of painful thoughts and regret.

"You love me." She said. The words sounded so incredibly true. I smiled. This time it was easier. Bella finally believed me.

"Truly, I do."

* * *

I could keep going. I want to, but I have another update to do still. If you review and ask for it I'll do the rest from here until after the vote. I was also thinking about doing the parts where like Edward says something along the lines of "You don't want to marry me…I was wondering why that is." And where Bella says "You don't want me to be a vampire…" You know what I mean. Tell me what you think.


	6. Eclipse:Can i ask you a question?

Here's another one-shot EPOV. This starts off on Page 272 of Eclipse. It's a part where Bella and Edward are just talking.

* * *

"Can I ask you something?" Her angel's lips asked. I was momentarily distracted by her perfection. She was the most significant part of my world. She _was_ my world. I detected a hint of anxiety in her voice. There was a slight crease between her perfect brows.

"Anything." I answered. She bit her lip, worrying.

"What am I getting Alice for graduation?" Humans were so forgetful, I had to laugh.

"It looked like you were getting us both concert tickets-" A look of relief flashed across her face, but it quickly disappeared. My concern returned. There was something else bothering her.

"That's right! The concert in Tacoma. I saw an as in the paper last week, and I thought it would be something you'd like, since you said it was a good CD."

"It's a great idea. Thank you." I tried to sooth away her worry. What was troubling her?

"I hope it's not sold out." Was that it?

"It's the thought that counts. I ought to know." I joked, trying to help her feel better. She sighed.

"There's something else you meant to ask." I prompted. She frowned.

"You're good." She said.

"I have lots of practice reading your face." _You beautiful, perfect face._ "Ask me." I urged. It was killing me not knowing. She closed her eyes and leaned against me. I held her close.

"You don't want me to be a vampire." Her words were carefully neutral.

"No, I don't." I answered softly, truthfully. I waited for Bella to continue. Finally, I grew impatient. "That's not a question."

"Well…I was worrying about…_why_ you feel that way." It was the last thing I expected.

"Worrying?"

"Would you tell me why? The whole truth, not sparing my feelings?" I wasn't sure whether to answer, not understanding where this was leading. In the end, I knew that I could never deny her anything, especially something as simple as an answer.

"If I answer your question, will you then _explain_ your question?" She nodded. Why was she hiding her face from me? What didn't she want me to see? I took a deep breath, steadying myself for the argument I knew this would bring forth.

"You could do so much, Bella." I felt her tense to argue, but rushed ahead to silence her protest. "I know that _you_ believe I have a soul, but I'm not entirely convinced on that point, and to risk yours…" I shook my head. This was a painful topic. It forced me to face my utter selfishness. "For me to allow this-to let you become what I am just so that I'll never have to lose you-is the most selfish act I can imagine. I want it more than anything, for _myself_. But for you, I want so much more. Giving in-it feels criminal. It's the most selfish thing I'll ever do, even if I live forever." I was supposed to be her protector, but I was taking from her that which I should be keeping sheltered. I would never forgive myself. "If there were any way for me to become human for you-no matter what the price was, I would pay it." She didn't move, didn't speak. The argument I anticipated didn't come.

Her complete stillness worried me. What was she thinking? Was she angry? Sad? Then, I felt her smile against my chest. It was not what I predicted, but then Bella never did anything I expected.

"So…it's not that you're afraid you won't…like me as much when I'm different-when I'm not soft and warm and I don't smell the same? You really do want to keep me, no matter how I turn out."

It was like I had been punched in the gut…by Emmett. I exhaled sharply. Was she crazy? How could she think such a thing? There was no power on earth that could change how I felt about her accept to make me love her more.

"You were worried I wouldn't _like_ you?" I demanded. My shock gave way to amusement. I started to laugh. "Bella, for a fairly intuitive person, you can be so obtuse!" She seemed much more relaxed. It made me happy and only added to my laughter.

She was just sitting, thinking. I wanted to be sure that she understood.

"I don't think you realize how much easier it will be for me, Bella, when I don't have to concentrate all the time on not killing you. Certainly, there are things I'll miss. This for one…" I stared into her lovely doe eyes. They were one of the first things I had loved about her, but it wasn't the color that captured me, it was the depth there. Looking into her eyes made me feel like I could touch her soul.

I stroked her cheek, trying to dazzle her. She blushed beautifully. I laughed. There were times when her blush told me more than her face. How would I ever understand her when it was gone? I would surely go insane. What a beautiful insanity it would be.

"And the sound of your heart... It's the most significant sound in my world. I'm so attuned to it now, I swear I could pick it out form miles away. But neither of these things matter. _This,"_ I took her face in my hands, gently, so carefully. She was so very fragile. "_You._ That's what I'm keeping. You'll always be my Bella, you'll just be a little more durable." She sighed and closed her eyes contentedly. She was so trusting, not worrying about me hurting her, even though it was always in my mind when I was near her with her face in my hands.

Her questions brought out a deep buried curiosity in me. I had to ask. _It's now or never, Cullen._ I told myself.

"Now will you answer a question for me? The whole truth, not sparing my feelings?"

"Of course." Her eyes flashed open with shock and curiosity.

"You don't want to be my wife." I chose my words carefully, not wanting her to see how much this question meant to me, not wanting to alarm her. I was suddenly feeling a little nervous. Her heart accelerated. It was a good thing I had taken this slowly.

"That's not a question." She finally whispered. I looked down away from her. I picked up her hand, needing to maintain contact.

"I was worrying about why you felt that way."

"That's not a question, either." Stubborn Bella.

"Please, Bella?"

"The truth?" she mouthed the words, seemingly overcome with some strong emotion.

"Of course. I can take it, whatever it is." How bad could it be? A thousand thoughts rushed through my mind. The most prominent was the worry that she didn't want me as much as mortality. It was a thought that I had not allowed myself to dwell on. It was far too painful.

"You're going to laugh at me." I caught her gaze with surprise. Why would I laugh?

"Laugh. I cannot imagine that."

"You'll see. Okay, fine! I'm sure this will sounds like some big joke to you, but really! It's just so…so…so _embarrassing!_" She hid her face again. I was stunned into silence. She was serious. Bella really was embarrassed by the truth. What was it? My curiosity was peaked.

"I'm not following you." She glared at me, embarrassed.

"I'm not _that girl_, Edward. The one who gets married right out of high school like some small-town hick who got knocked up by her boyfriend! Do you know what people would think? Do you realize what century this is? People don't just get married at eighteen! Not smart people, not responsible, mature people! I wasn't going to be that girl! That's not who I am…"

I was surprised. It was not what I had imagined. I could see her point. I had definitely never thought of it that way, but she was dating a vampire. Her best friend was a werewolf. Life wasn't ever going to be normal.

I was happy. She was just worried about what other people would think. It had nothing to do with not wanting me. I felt my heart lift. Best be sure though.

"That's all?" asked, needing to be absolutely positive.

"Isn't that enough?" She seemed confused.

"It's not that you were…more eager for immortality itself than for just me?" She blinked in wonderment and then burst out laughing.

"Edward! And here…I always…thought that…you were…so much…_smarter_ than me!" I couldn't blame her for laughing. Now, with my fears waylaid, it did seem silly. I held her close. "Edward, there's no point to forever without you. I wouldn't want one day without you." How had she become the one comforting me?

"Well, that's a relief." And it was. I had my Bella, forever, in my arms. Nothing would come between us.

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So this is actually short for me, surprisingly. I expected it to be another long one. It's not as angsty as the others so I hope you like it. Please review!


	7. Morning After, BD

This is the Morning After, from Breaking Dawn. In Edward's POV. (Pages 86-96)

I don't own it.

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I knew the instant that she woke. Her breath sped ever so slightly. I kept perfectly still, content to wallow in my monstrousness. I had hut her. I would never forgive myself. She probably hated me. I couldn't even give her this one simple thing.

She was so warm against me. I hated myself for feeling any amount of happiness when she was probably in pain. I trailed my fingers over her soft skin. She was so delicate, so soft. How could I do such a thing to this perfect creature? I was just grateful that she wasn't pushing me away…yet.

I deserved to be punished. I had _hurt _her. There were bruises marring her perfect skin. IT was my fault. If anyone else had hurt her like this, I would have killed him. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could say.

I was so lost in my self loathing that I almost didn't notice when she laughed softly.

"What's funny?" I murmured. How could she laugh at a time like this? I blush rose in her cheeks. She was so beautiful. I had hurt my own perfect miracle. Anguish gripped me. I was a monster. Her stomach growled.

"You can't escape being human for very long." I couldn't laugh with her. She would soon realize the pain and then I would die inside. She would look at me with hurt in her eyes, hurt that I had put there, and it would break me.

She finally opened her eyes. They were free of shadows, for now. I looked away. It hurt to look at her. I didn't want to see her face when she realized the truth.

"Edward, what is it? What's wrong?" There was a catch in her voice. Was she in pain? If it was possible, I hated myself more.

"You have to ask?" I didn't look at her as she thought it over. It was coming, the realization. She was silent for so long that I had to look at her. There were lines in her forehead. Not lines of pain, I was grateful to see, but lines of worry.

"What are you thinking?"

"You're upset. I don' understand. Did I…/" She trailed off. She was probably trying to keep me from feeling bad. That was a very Bella-ish thing to do. She would play the martyr for me.

"How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth-don't try to downplay it." I prayed that I hadn't broken anything.

"Hurt?" Maybe she had a concussion. She didn't seem to be thinking clearly. I raised an eyebrow, waiting.

She stretched like a cat, sinuously. I still waited. Her eyes darkened from confused to angry. This was what I had been waiting for.

"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am right now." I closed my eyes. She had to be lying. How could she not hate me? I had been so lost in my own emotions and pleasure that I hadn't thought about her. I was a terrible person.

"Stop that." It would be so much easier if she would just let me hate myself. I wanted her to say the condemning words so that at least my hell would be complete.

"Stop _what?"_

"Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having greed to this."

"Edward!" Don't ever say that." I didn't understand what she was saying, but I couldn't look at her. My beautiful Bella was hurt and it was my fault.

"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster." I heard a gasp. Did she finally understand? More anguish poured into me.

"Why am I covered in feathers?" I felt impatience growing. Why did she always refuse to see the monster? I was still waiting for her to run away, just like I had been since the very beginning.

"I bit a pillow. Or two. That's not what I'm talking about."

"You…bit a pillow? _Why?_"

"Look, Bella! Look at _that_." I saw her finally focus, finally get it. She pulled her hand away from me. Was it just to get a better look or was I losing her? I couldn't be sure anymore. To make it absolutely clear I matched her bruises to my fingers, hating myself.

"Oh." I wished again that I could read her mind.

"I'm…so sorry, Bella." I whispered, wishing that I had words enough to express my sorrow. "I knew better than this. I should not have-I am sorrier than I can tell you." I finished, revolted with myself. I threw an arm over my face and didn't move. I wanted to disappear, to fix everything, to go back and tell her no. If I had more control she'd be perfectly fine right now.

She was silent. The silence was far worse than screaming. It left me to contemplate my own disgust. All I could do was wait for her verdict. What would I do if she hated me? She touched my arm, but I didn't move.

"Edward." I couldn't respond. Now that it was time, I didn't want to hear her anger. I hated disappointing my angel. "Edward?" Her voice grew a little irritated. "_I'm _not sorry, Edward. I'm…I can't even tell you. I'm _so_ happy. That doesn't even cover it. Don't be angry. Don't. I'm really f-"I had to cut her off.

"Do not say the word _fine_. If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine." How could she be fine?

"But I _am._"

"Bella, don't."

"No. _You, _don't, Edward." She sounded very annoyed now. I moved to look at her, curious. What was she talking about?

"Don't ruin this. I. Am. Happy."

"I've already ruined this."

"Cut it out." Yes, definite anger now. I was feeling annoyed myself. She regarded me so absurdly. How could she not see it? Even now, she didn't see the monster.

"Ugh! Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so _inconvenient_ to be a mental mute!" That caught my attention. I felt shocked.

"That's a new one. You love that I can't read your mind."

"Not today."

"Why?" She always confused and amazed me. This was the last thing I had expected to hear.

She threw up her hands in frustration.

"Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I _was_ perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now-well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."

"You _should_ be angry at me."

"Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?"

"No. I don't think anything could make me feel better now."

"_That._ That right there is why I'm angry. You are _killing my buzz_, Edward." I can't help but roll my eyes. Bella can be so strange.

"We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumes. And then-well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing. I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice-"I was angry. She had expected this!

"Assumes? Di you _expect_ this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones-that equals a victory?" I immediately felt bad for yelling at her, but honestly, Bella was a danger to herself. How could she want this?

"I didn't know what to expect-but I definitely did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was. I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me." She had broken our eye contact. All other problems momentarily forgotten, I pulled her chin up.

"Is that what you're worried about? That I didn't _enjoy_ myself?" How could such a perfect creature be so insecure? I felt bad for making her feel like this.

"I know it's not the same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that." Warmth spread through me. I love her. Bella does funny things to me. She was sitting there, bruised, and she was worrying about me. I had not only hurt her physically, but emotionally. Could I do nothing right?

"It seems that I have more to apologize for. I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…well, the best night of my existence. But I don't want to think of it that way, not when you were…"

"Really? The best ever?" She smiled.

"I spoke to Carlisle after you and made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you. If only I had fully understood. "He had faith in me, though- faith I didn't deserve." She started to protest, but I stopped her. "I also asked him what _I_ should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me…what with my being a vampire. Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part-you had already altered me completely." I smiled. She was the best change that could ever have happened.

"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood. But I've tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than _that_…I don't think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more."

"It _was_ more. It was everything." She couldn't mean that.

"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way."

"What does _that_ mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?"

"To ease my guilt. I can't ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes." Now she grabbed my chin.

"You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. _I've_ never been so happy in all my life-I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me…not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio" I couldn't' help but flinch at that memory. It was still painful "or when you said 'I do' and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it." She was frowning. I was still hurting her.

"I'm making you unhappy nw. I don't want to do that."

"Then don't _you_ be unhappy. That's the only thing that's wrong here."

"You're right. The past is past and I can't do anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now." I smiled to assure her that I was serious. I could at least try to make things better for her.

"Whatever makes me happy?" Her stomach growled.

"You're hungry." I got up to get her food.

"So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?"

"I don't know if I _decided_ to anything last night. We're just lucky it was the pillows and not you." I shook my head to rid it of that image. I forced a realistic smile to my face. She didn't want me to be unhappy. I had to pretend for her.

She got out of bed. Her skin was marked with bruises. I had to turn away to keep her from seeing my self-loathing.

"Do I look that hideous?" My breath caught. I wanted to tell her no, but I couldn't look at her for fear that my emotions were still plain on my face. She walked to the mirror. I heard a groan and whipped around.

"Bella?"

"I'll never get this all out of my hair!" Thank god. I had been terrified for a moment, afraid that the damage was worse than I thought.

"You _would_ be worried about your hair." I started pulling feathers out of her hair. Another time, another place, it might have been funny.

"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous." I just kept pulling out feathers. "This isn't going to work. It's all dried in. I'm going to have to try and wash it out." She wrapped her arms around me. How could she act as if nothing had happened? "Do you want to help me?" A part of me wanted to, but the part that was still swamped in anguish and self-hate was stronger.

"I'd better find some food for you." I said as I removed her arms. If I couldn't be the husband Bella deserved, I'd at least be the best that I could be. Right now, that meant getting her food. Later, it would mean keeping her, and me, distracted so that she didn't get hurt again. I sighed deeply. I had no idea if I was strong enough.


	8. Bella's thoughts, BD

Hey, everybody! I'm updating with the express purpose of bringing you all some news. There are deleted scenes from Twilight up. I just went to Bella & Edward . com and used the links to view them. I just want to say that I totally called them both. I bet the next one will be the Emmett scene. The first one's a little creepy at the end, if you ask me. The second one's cute though. So go watch them.

Next, Edward is losing on my poll! Shocker, I know. If you want to protect Edward's pride, do your jobs as Twi-hard fans and vote!

The results from my last poll are in. The winner was a B&E friends since childhood fic. I will start work on that when I finish one of the things I'm currently working on. If you didn't vote for that, don't fear. I'm still going to do the song fics that were on the poll too.

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This one's the very end of breaking Dawn, were Bella shares her mind with Edward. This one has been done a lot, I think, but oh well.

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"Wait." Bella said. I felt shock course through me. This was a first. "I want to try something." She said. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. She smiled a little.

She put her hands on either side of my face. I felt warmth radiate from where her skin touched mine. She closed her eyes as if concentrating. What was going…_I can do this, just move the shield…_I felt my breath catch. I was hearing Bella's thoughts.

"Bella!" I whispered, afraid to break the spell of the moment. It soon became even clearer what she was doing. I could see weak images in her head. Is that really what I look like to her? It was an incredible sensation, being able to actually feel how she felt about me, even back then. I had never really known.

She remembered memories that I had, like the first day in the meadow. Hers were very different than mine. I had been conflicted. She had already known somehow. She had known deep inside how she felt. Bella seemed even more amazing to me, if that's possible.

I could hear my voice in her memories. She had thought that I was an angel. That hideous event was branded in my mind for a different reason, but hearing it through Bella's memories out a different spin on it. It was still terrifying and painful, but somehow softer, different.

Next, she pictured the wedding. That was not quite so different form my own memory. This memory was clearer as it was more recent. I could feel the overwhelming happiness and amazement that she had felt at that moment. It mirrored what I had felt that day.

She began to picture our honeymoon. She remembered every touch, every kiss. It was all I could do not to pull her close and kiss her then, but I was afraid to ruin the tenuous hold she had over her shield. Bella's memories were steamed with passion and love. They sent chills down my spine.

Her next memories were sharper. These were after the change. She recalled her first sight of me with her vampire eyes. She saw me so differently than I saw myself. It was a strange feeling, to see myself like that with Bella's emotions clouding my own thoughts. Her thoughts then drifted to that first kiss, the first night. This time I could not control myself. I kissed her.

How could I not give in to the passion that she was stirring to life with her memories? Her shield slipped back into place. I felt disappointed. I never wanted to leave her mind. It was fascinating, addicting.

"Oops, I lost it!"

"I _heard_ you. How? How did you do that?" I was in shock. That had been one of the most incredible experiences. Bella was amazing.

"Zafrina's idea. We practiced a few times." I couldn't shake the shock. I blinked and tried to clear my head.

"Now you know. No one's ever loved anyone as much as I love you." I felt that peculiar warmth in my heart that only Bella can bring out in me.

"You're almost right. I know of just one exception." I said to my amazing wife. I was also very proud that I had managed a complete sentence under this haze of disbelief.

"Liar." She said. I had to kiss her again. She was so beautiful. Her mind was more perfect than I had veer believed. Hearing a declaration of her love for me in my mind was an aphrodisiac. I kissed her.

"Can you do it again?" I managed to stop kissing her.

"It's very difficult." The idea of having that experience again was exciting.

"I can't keep it up if I'm even the slightest bit distracted." She warned.

"I'll be good." She gave me a look, but then smiled. Her hands returned to my face. This time the shield lifted quicker. She started where she left off. The memories of that first night together were perfectly clear. Despite my good intentions, I couldn't control myself. I kissed her with all of the passion and urgency that I was feeling. She laughed.

"Damn it." I really needed to work on my self control." I kissed her more. I would never get enough of her, even after all of eternity had passed.

"We have plenty of time to work on it."

"Forever and forever and forever."

"That sounds exactly right to me." I couldn't believe that this magical creature was mine. I had infinity with Bella. I had heard her thoughts. What else could I want? I left off thoughts and gave myself over to the feelings that were running through me, kissing my wife thoroughly.

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Please review.


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